The Seeds of Hoarding

I ponder when hoarding actually happens for a person. Is hoarding a characteristic that lies dormant and given the right set of circumstances grows like bacteria in a Petri dish? Or is it something totally brought on by life reaction?

I can’t speak for the hoarder but only from my experience as a significant other in hoarder’s life. I’ve spent many nights dreaming of how I would clean up his mess, get rid of his stuff and even wondering what it would be like if our house would catch on fire.  I find these thoughts a little extreme and fruitless all at the same time.

Looking back on the past 30 years, I’ve searched our shared experience for clues to this hoarding.  As a young woman in my mid 20’s I was naïve about life in addition to just being naïve about people in general.  Recalling our dating relationship, we both had been hurt by our previous relationships.  We found a comradery in that shared hurt and we also had been casual friends in high school.

I noticed things at his place, lots of things sitting on furniture, a bedroom full of stuff and a walk in attic with a substantial number of boxes.  I assumed he was a bachelor that didn’t know how to keep house and didn’t give it a second thought.  When we decided to marry, I was to move into his house as I had an apartment.  He said he would go through his things and downsize.  I was to do the same.  We would not keep duplicates of items. 

I got rid of keepsakes, things and other house hold items so that we could combine our possessions together.  I started out with about a third of what he had and probably ended up with a fourth of what he had.  He moved a few things around and didn’t get rid of anything.  Most of the duplicate things we got rid of were my things. First clue.

I was frustrated about that, but I concluded that he was busy doing other things.  We were young and this really didn’t seem like an issue and we got married. It didn’t even occur to me to not get married to this man because he kept a little too much junk in his house. Reflecting though, the hoarding was there from the very beginning and I didn’t have a clue as to how it would impact my life with this man.  This tendency in him, however it manifested in his life, was there before I was entwined in his life.

Hoarding - Just Scratching the Surface

Where is the line between hoarder and one who saves things? Certainly a person can save things for future use and not be a hoarder.  And when does someone become a hoarder or are they always a hoarder and it is only recognizable when it reaches critical mass?  These questions are vexing for me and likely there are no real objective answers. 

I lived with a hoarder for 30 years.  Yes, that’s right lived as in past tense.  My experience may be similar to one who has dealt with alcoholism or drug addiction.  It seems society does not put this on equal footing, that somehow an addiction to stuff is somehow less destructive than the effects of drugs on a life, on a relationship and its impact on other people in the hoarder’s life. Who can truly the measure the impact of these issues on the lives of others?

As I seek to find meaning to my journey with a hoarder, writing serves as a clarifying outlet. No one starts out in a relationship thinking they will document how the difficulties with hoarding began.  For me it will have to be a retrospect exploration.

When I can tolerate it, I watch the hoarding show on TV.  My perception is that somehow the hoarder is to be coddled a bit to work through his/her issues and if the significant other is somehow indifferent or lacks compassion, the spouse, child or partner is seen as the bad guy.

I get it, the person has a mental health issue and they may not be able to deal with their addiction in a productive manner.  But would people be tolerant of a diabetic who refuses to take their insulin correctly and chastise his/her caregiver as the bad guy for wanting their loved one to do the correct medical thing?

Experience has taught me most people have no clue what it is like to live with a hoarder unless they have lived with one too.  And the hoarder’s personality makes their stuff obsession different from other hoarders to a degree. Many people give suggestions and ideas as freely as they breathe or they conclude and say they wouldn’t put up with that problem. Hmm, either come up with the most fantastic solution or end the relationship.  

It’s not as easy as all the suggestions and believe me I have tried lots of things many times over – praying, begging, sneaking stuff out, writing notes, yelling, not saying anything, buying new organizational items, behavior modification, belittling, comparing, more praying, pleading, rationalizing, giving space, asking for space and so much more.  It doesn’t work because it boils down to something I am doing and the hoarder is still hoarding.  I cannot make someone do something they are unwilling to do for themselves.

Disdain for the Poor

I have worked with low-income people most of my professional career.  I’ve been in low-income housing and falling apart rental property and I have seen firsthand how these people live their lives.  It is easy to criticize them for their cable TV and big screened TV’s but could you tolerate the rest of their lives?  Most don’t have cars and if they do, it is some junk yard reject that sputters down the road.  They usually get plenty of “money” for food, but there is no cash for toilet paper or feminine hygiene products.  Yes in some manner they do seem to find money for cigarettes and booze but there is not much familial or financial support to move on from government supported way of life.

That aside, poor people live their lives pretty much the same way most people do.  They just frame it differently than middle and high income people do.  There is less cash to smooth out the rough spots.  Middle income people have no problem affording the lifestyle that entertains, activities that sooth the soul and high end doctors that prescribe drugs to help deal with life’s stressors.  Poor people do the same thing; it is just a bit less sanitized. I’ve heard the stories about swinger parties with the upscale couples and leaders of the community and also the criticism about low-income men who have a woman on every block.  Tell me what is the difference?  Actually there is no difference.  And if you think there is, then you are justifying something in your own existence. Having sex with multiple partners is the same whatever and whenever it happens.

We are certain welfare recipients must be drug tested because they receive government money but never once suggest that farmers be drug tested as well – and they receive tons of government money.  If we tested farmers there would be on outcry, but everyone wants to beat the drum to test welfare recipients.  Why is one more relevant than the other – I can’t think of a single reason other than people want to disdain poor people.

In the USA, we live with the high ideal that if someone works hard enough, they will be rewarded with money.  This carries over to the logical conclusion that poor people must be lazy and therefore, could help their situation in some manner.  They just need to raise themselves up by their bootstraps, get an education, get a job and reach the higher level of consciousness of middle income or better.

Yet, this is not reality.  None of us chose the home to which we were born and it is easy to see how some people achieve their success on the coat tails of family or political position.  We hate to admit that because if any of us were to receive a perk because of money or connection, we would rather say it was because we were smart, educated or some self-grandiose conclusion.  When it is coming our way we deserve it when in reality is it often by chance, parental or political connection.

It does seem a bit crazy, but it almost seems people thrive on having a disdain for a segment of society.  It is like the school yard where children have to have some kind of dominance and so they pick on the different child – whether it is color, intellectual abilities, weight or fill in the blank.    I am not sure why this is so psychologically important for some people to have something to dislike, but I imagine it has something to do with their own personal self-loathing.

We all have things we dislike about ourselves and it is hard in our Puritan, hard-working, perfectionist society to deal with those things.  Let’s all admit it – it is a struggle. It is much easier to show disdain for some other group or persons.  It eases our own perception of ourselves – BUT is solves nothing and it actually makes matters worse for everyone.

I want to further explore why people have this insatiable desire to disdain poor people.  For now look at yourself.  What do you see?  What is that you don’t like about yourself?  Does it really make much sense to dislike someone else because you can’t cope with your own imperfections?  More to come.

Disappointment with Professionalism

Not sure where the official book of professionalism is published but it would be nice to pull excerpts and provide quotes in memos, emails, conversations and social media posts about professionalism especially when someone you work with or associate with on a professional basis displays unprofessional behavior.  I can hear myself now saying in chapter 5 it clearly says that is inappropriate behavior.  Yet, professionalism is never cut and dried and it can be a subjective continuum.

I have to admit I am a bit of perfectionist and want and need to do things right.  It is character trait bred into me by my parents and possibly being the middle child.  So when people slip up and I get the short end of their professionalism or lack thereof, I get a little miffed. The tidbit of information was just too great not to pass on despite directions to keep things on the silent side.  I get particularly bothered by board members who do not keep business information confidential or when people circumvent the proper change of command because it works to their advantage.

Usually people disregard professionalism when it is more rewarding for them to not be professional.  In their minds, it is more advantageous for them to do the other thing.  It seems easier to patch the professionalism at a later time than to honor the designated system.  Some people may trip over the rules due to ignorance, but that is a rare thing.

There is also the consideration that the subjective slide of relativity may slant their idea of professionalism, but that argument is hard to believe because most people would scream loudly if someone treated them in a similar manner.  Most people know when they have received the short end of professionalism.  Even animals know when they have been treated unfairly, but that is another subject.

I am also hard on myself when I fall short as well.  I have said my fair share of apologies and I learned that it is best to say them as soon as possible and repeat them from time to time for my own sake as much as it really does bother me to dump on someone else no matter what the issue is.  I was caught up in the moment and the words came out.  I knew better.  So I do give unprofessional glitches somewhat of a pass in others.  After all no one is perfect including myself.

Forgiveness is great and I am glad for it, but back to this standard of professionalism.  No one polices it and one can go for years and never feel the bite of their own lack of professionalism or do they?  I know my opinion of others has changed when I have witnessed or been the brunt of their lack of professionalism.  It bothers me even when a favored friend or colleague messes up without remorse.  Not that there are out in my book, but do I trust them down the road if the pattern persists?

Life, people, colleagues and friends are going to disappoint and yes, we will even disappoint ourselves.  That is the nature of living, but far too often people think more of themselves in their actions than really what is best for others or the situation. I like the statement, “Treat others like you would like to be treated.”  This is great advice because nearly everyone knows how they would like to be treated.  Following this advice would go a long way in improving professionalism.

A Waste of Time

Recently a professional colleague and his wife were involved in an adoption of a newborn baby. They were there for the delivery and held the baby.  Finalization was all set once the newborn overcame some breathing issues in the hospital but the mother backed out of the arrangement at the last minute. This indeed had to be difficult to endure.  Both he and his wife traveled two states over, took a huge chuck of vacation time and spent a significant amount of money.

I expressed my sympathy for this difficult situation.  He said to me that it was an incredible waste of time and money.  His frankness startled me a bit, but I certainly could understand his sentiment.  After months of anticipation, large sums of money and too much time and to still be empty handed is a much like a kick in the stomach that doesn’t go away for a long time.

We’ve all been there, dealing with expectations, hopes and plans that don’t materialize for some reason or another.  When it comes to pouring our lives into someone to love, the hurt and disappointment is magnified.  Despite the hurt, is investing in a personal situation such as this a waste of time?

Many people may perceive that, yet no experience has to be a waste of time. There are many things we would like to forget, but learning from experiences can be a way of making those miserable or hurtful experiences seem less wasteful. Even if all we learn is to not do that again.

Yet on the other side of this is a young mother who decided to keep her child and however cruel that may seem to this empty handed couple, the hope and focus they provided to this woman may have been the difference in her life to make her the mom that she never thought was possible.

This couple may never know the outcome but their investment probably was not a waste of time in the lives of this young mother and her child.

As a child, I would often come home from school, change clothes and head to my favorite spot in the world. The top of the Box Elder Tree in the back yard.  From that vantage point, I would watch the world.  I enjoyed that high point perspective - well at least high for a 6 year old and probably too high for most parents.  It gave me a different view than anything else ground level.

With that same curiosity and desire, I still seek to see the world from a different vantage point.  It may not be from a tree in the backyard, but from my set of experiences.  It is with this same passion that I set forth this blog.  To share my perspective on a variety of things - life, social concerns, faith and more as the days unfold.