The Seeds of Hoarding

I ponder when hoarding actually happens for a person. Is hoarding a characteristic that lies dormant and given the right set of circumstances grows like bacteria in a Petri dish? Or is it something totally brought on by life reaction?

I can’t speak for the hoarder but only from my experience as a significant other in hoarder’s life. I’ve spent many nights dreaming of how I would clean up his mess, get rid of his stuff and even wondering what it would be like if our house would catch on fire.  I find these thoughts a little extreme and fruitless all at the same time.

Looking back on the past 30 years, I’ve searched our shared experience for clues to this hoarding.  As a young woman in my mid 20’s I was naïve about life in addition to just being naïve about people in general.  Recalling our dating relationship, we both had been hurt by our previous relationships.  We found a comradery in that shared hurt and we also had been casual friends in high school.

I noticed things at his place, lots of things sitting on furniture, a bedroom full of stuff and a walk in attic with a substantial number of boxes.  I assumed he was a bachelor that didn’t know how to keep house and didn’t give it a second thought.  When we decided to marry, I was to move into his house as I had an apartment.  He said he would go through his things and downsize.  I was to do the same.  We would not keep duplicates of items. 

I got rid of keepsakes, things and other house hold items so that we could combine our possessions together.  I started out with about a third of what he had and probably ended up with a fourth of what he had.  He moved a few things around and didn’t get rid of anything.  Most of the duplicate things we got rid of were my things. First clue.

I was frustrated about that, but I concluded that he was busy doing other things.  We were young and this really didn’t seem like an issue and we got married. It didn’t even occur to me to not get married to this man because he kept a little too much junk in his house. Reflecting though, the hoarding was there from the very beginning and I didn’t have a clue as to how it would impact my life with this man.  This tendency in him, however it manifested in his life, was there before I was entwined in his life.

Hoarding - Just Scratching the Surface

Where is the line between hoarder and one who saves things? Certainly a person can save things for future use and not be a hoarder.  And when does someone become a hoarder or are they always a hoarder and it is only recognizable when it reaches critical mass?  These questions are vexing for me and likely there are no real objective answers. 

I lived with a hoarder for 30 years.  Yes, that’s right lived as in past tense.  My experience may be similar to one who has dealt with alcoholism or drug addiction.  It seems society does not put this on equal footing, that somehow an addiction to stuff is somehow less destructive than the effects of drugs on a life, on a relationship and its impact on other people in the hoarder’s life. Who can truly the measure the impact of these issues on the lives of others?

As I seek to find meaning to my journey with a hoarder, writing serves as a clarifying outlet. No one starts out in a relationship thinking they will document how the difficulties with hoarding began.  For me it will have to be a retrospect exploration.

When I can tolerate it, I watch the hoarding show on TV.  My perception is that somehow the hoarder is to be coddled a bit to work through his/her issues and if the significant other is somehow indifferent or lacks compassion, the spouse, child or partner is seen as the bad guy.

I get it, the person has a mental health issue and they may not be able to deal with their addiction in a productive manner.  But would people be tolerant of a diabetic who refuses to take their insulin correctly and chastise his/her caregiver as the bad guy for wanting their loved one to do the correct medical thing?

Experience has taught me most people have no clue what it is like to live with a hoarder unless they have lived with one too.  And the hoarder’s personality makes their stuff obsession different from other hoarders to a degree. Many people give suggestions and ideas as freely as they breathe or they conclude and say they wouldn’t put up with that problem. Hmm, either come up with the most fantastic solution or end the relationship.  

It’s not as easy as all the suggestions and believe me I have tried lots of things many times over – praying, begging, sneaking stuff out, writing notes, yelling, not saying anything, buying new organizational items, behavior modification, belittling, comparing, more praying, pleading, rationalizing, giving space, asking for space and so much more.  It doesn’t work because it boils down to something I am doing and the hoarder is still hoarding.  I cannot make someone do something they are unwilling to do for themselves.