Hoarding - Just Scratching the Surface

Where is the line between hoarder and one who saves things? Certainly a person can save things for future use and not be a hoarder.  And when does someone become a hoarder or are they always a hoarder and it is only recognizable when it reaches critical mass?  These questions are vexing for me and likely there are no real objective answers. 

I lived with a hoarder for 30 years.  Yes, that’s right lived as in past tense.  My experience may be similar to one who has dealt with alcoholism or drug addiction.  It seems society does not put this on equal footing, that somehow an addiction to stuff is somehow less destructive than the effects of drugs on a life, on a relationship and its impact on other people in the hoarder’s life. Who can truly the measure the impact of these issues on the lives of others?

As I seek to find meaning to my journey with a hoarder, writing serves as a clarifying outlet. No one starts out in a relationship thinking they will document how the difficulties with hoarding began.  For me it will have to be a retrospect exploration.

When I can tolerate it, I watch the hoarding show on TV.  My perception is that somehow the hoarder is to be coddled a bit to work through his/her issues and if the significant other is somehow indifferent or lacks compassion, the spouse, child or partner is seen as the bad guy.

I get it, the person has a mental health issue and they may not be able to deal with their addiction in a productive manner.  But would people be tolerant of a diabetic who refuses to take their insulin correctly and chastise his/her caregiver as the bad guy for wanting their loved one to do the correct medical thing?

Experience has taught me most people have no clue what it is like to live with a hoarder unless they have lived with one too.  And the hoarder’s personality makes their stuff obsession different from other hoarders to a degree. Many people give suggestions and ideas as freely as they breathe or they conclude and say they wouldn’t put up with that problem. Hmm, either come up with the most fantastic solution or end the relationship.  

It’s not as easy as all the suggestions and believe me I have tried lots of things many times over – praying, begging, sneaking stuff out, writing notes, yelling, not saying anything, buying new organizational items, behavior modification, belittling, comparing, more praying, pleading, rationalizing, giving space, asking for space and so much more.  It doesn’t work because it boils down to something I am doing and the hoarder is still hoarding.  I cannot make someone do something they are unwilling to do for themselves.